That's what we're talkin' about!

2009-04-20T12:50:00.000-07:00

Tootie here!

I wanted to share a little story that happened to me the other day. Okay so I was in this downtown parking lot and I just pulled into a nice little comfy spot for my little car that was close to the elevators. I am all dressed up cause I was on my way to see a play. So I have a little dress on and some high heels. So I strut myself over to the elevators and I open the door and push the button to lower myself to the street level. I back away from the elevators to see which one will be opening first when...these two Shims walk into the elevator waiting area. For those of you that don't know what a Shim is, it's of male gender that likes to dress as a woman.

The first one could actually pull of being a woman. Aside from the rather large hands and the deep voice. S/he had short black hair that was actually styled very nicely and a nice black and white skirt suit, with cute black flats, and a nice touch of pearls. Now the second one got to me a little bit. Lets see if I can paint this picture.

Shim's hair (or rather a head full of pubes) was a lighter burgundy color that was cut right below the ears. S/he had about an inch of black and grey roots showing and it was so frizzy and kinky that it just stuck out to the side like Boe-Boe the clown. Shis eye shadow had a nice coating of rainbow sparkles that covered his entire lid (this trend, I believe went out in the 90's). Shis dress was of 80's style sweetheart neckline, with puffy sleeves, white with big purple flowers and green leaves, the bottom flared out and was cut right above the knee. You continue down his rather shapely shaved legs where...OMG WTF is s/he wearing. A white sock that was folded down with purple ruffle fringe, and green flats.

I had to do some serious biting of the lip not to start laughing my ass off. He looked like one fugly 5 year old from the 80's. Oh when is this elevator going to open! Finally it does and this guy walks out, looks around and stops. He starts backing into the elevator and says "Ooops, I didn't mean to get off here. I must be going crazy!" I give a little giggle and I stepped in and immediately made room for the fugly 5 year old and his mother. I punch the button to go to the main level and we all the wait. The elevator doors start to close and then bounce back open. I look at the guy that was already on the elevator and say "Looks like the elevator is going a little crazy too!" Then to my astonishment the fugly 5 year old adds in a rather disturbing husky voice "We're all a little crazy!" S/he then gets reprimanded by his mother "Don't say that! Why would you say that?"

Okay by this point I'm trying not to laugh my ass off by biting my lip so hard that I do believe I drew blood. The doors of the elevator finally open and out I went all but running out the doors onto the side walk. They then pass by me talking about sitting in the bar to have a few drinks and I watch as they manly stagger into the same restaurant that I was going to sit in the bar at. I so wish I had this on film. Just picturing his Boe-Boe hair blowing in the wind while totally walking like a man, with shim's stomach leading was the most hilarious thing I think that I have seen in a long time.

Unfortunately once they walked into the restaurant they opted for a private booth and not the bar. I think that it would be even more hilarious to watch this fugly 5 year old sit at the bar with a big pint of beer. Oh well! Maybe next time!

Online Dating

2009-03-27T15:00:00.000-07:00

So here is the BIG problem with online dating...You meet freaky ass people! Yes, I will admit that I have tried out the online dating thing. Not my finest but hey some people swear by it. Well it just doesn't work for me, I have come to find out. I still have my profile up on this dating website and I am no longer actively trying to find someone on it. I am simply using it for Darlene and I's entertainment purposes while the membership runs out. We get some pretty good laughs out of the ugly nasty old men that are my grandfather's age that want to hook up for a drink. Blech!

Anyways I get an interest from this one guy and it automatically goes into my email. So as I am opening up my daily email this interest pops open and what do my eyes behold? One of the strangest looking men I've ever seen. I already know that Darlene and I are going to Hell so I turn to her and I go "OMG check out this guy!" I really want to post the picture of this dude but my morals are telling me not to. However... Darlene says I should do it. Oooops!

This is not a joke, this is the actual picture that he has on his profile. I know that I'm not the hottest thing since sliced bread but he does not appeal to me on the attraction level. I do not get the love at first site feeling in the pit of my stomach by looking at this mug.

The next day I receive an email from him titled "i see you looked at my profile". No Hello, how are you or My name is or even Damn your fine. Then I continue reading the content of the email:

I have been on this site for about 3 months with no luck, I was hopeing you
could give me a hint as to why no one responds. How is any one suposed to
get to know another with out correspondence ? Is my profile that bad or is
the world that jodgemental.

At first I seriously felt really bad for the guy. Thinking that it must be really hard for him to find someone. I wasn't considering writing him back but then I decided to actually read his profile, and maybe give him a few pointers that might be able to help him out. This was ALL of his about me section:

I do not agree with this judgemental system, the woman that look at what i
write wont respond and the ones that dont look do so i am removeing my intro
and if you are interested talk to me and you will learn about me . I dont think
this site works very well, most people seem to be too picky and only window
shopping. Grow up and respond to a message dont expect the good guys to fall
from the sky, we are out here and we are not as desperate as you think.
WOULD LIKE TO BE THE ONE THAT GETS NO RESPONSE TO A SIMPLE
HELLO. Some of you woman have no class or some immotional issues, what
kind of woman does not say hello back, not the kind i am interested in. I know
it must be so hard haveing guys constantly throw themselves at ya but imagine
being on the other side and the pressure of having to confront and be rejected
or the feeling of constantly having to search for someone that may not be ready
or eaven exzist. I have been on here for three months and only two women out
of all of ya seem to know why they payd for this . Good luck everyone this is
difficult not impossible.

Are you kidding me? Are you actually serious? YOU write ME an email that asks for a hint as to why you have had no luck on this site. Where the F*** do I start? This actually pisses me off. So I decide that I wanted to write him back. Here is said email:

I must tell you that your whole intro turned me away. You are totally being
hypocritical and you completely sound like a negative person. Getting rejected
is a part of the whole growing up process, and I hate to break it to you buddy,
but everyone gets rejected sometime in their life. Most people have a
membership to Match.com so that they can BE picky and choosey! You have
a smorgasboard of men/women. Why not be picky as to who you want to date.
If they are not the height you want them to be or have the same interests as
you or simply sound like a complete fool, why should you even waste a moment
of your time. You move on to the next man/woman.

Oh and you may want to check your spelling. Mis-spelled words and poor
grammar may simply turn a woman away. By the way what the hell is
immotional?

immotional - emotional
haveing - having
ya - you
eaven - even
exzist - exist
payd - paid

Just to start you off!

He's lucky I didn't even start on some of the other things I wanted to say to him. I actually hope that he does find someone special to spend his life with, but that person is not going to be me. So sorry that I am not attracted to a short, negative, illiterite, little whiney pip-squeak. Don't get mad at me because you shot WAY too high and got shot down. Ughhh! Makes me so angry.

I would not recommend writing these nut balls back but he asked for my help. I could not stand by and watch this person asking themselves "Hey, whats wrong with me?", when its pretty clear.

Throughout this whole ordeal, I'm keeping Darlene up to date on all of it. This email made me laugh so hard I was getting the wacky stares from some co-works probably thinking to themselves that I should be in the nut house. This is why I love my Darlene so much:

He’s going to find you and kidnap you & keep you hidden in a remote bunker
with no chance of anyone finding you. You’ll live off of leaves and rain water.
Sometimes he might throw an old granola bar down the well that you’re in. I
will search for you, but it might take awhile. There are lots of woods around
& I have a feeling he might be planning on taking you to Idaho. There’s freaks
that live in Idaho. If there’s ever a chance he takes you into town & makes
you wear a cloth over your face, just run. He might tell you that he’s going to
kill you or your family, but trust me & just run. Find the nearest hospital, fire
station, 7-11 & call me. You probably won’t have any quarters, so you can call
me collect. After you do, I’ll come pick you up, find you a nice place like a truck
stop for you to take a shower. After you’re all cleaned up, we’ll drive around
like Bonnie & Clyde (except we’re both girls, so we’ll be Bonnie & Trixie), and
we’ll find that guy. When we do, we’ll take him to the woods where he left you
& tie him to a tree. We’ll strip him of his clothes & cover him in honey. Then
we’ll wait……..we’ll wait for the ants, and mosquitos, and bears to come. And
we’ll sit there laughing at him while we slowly sip on Slurpees and dine on
Doritos……. Now who’s more creepy, me or him?

Be careful who you meet on the internet people! There are real Whack jobs out there.

~ Tootie here and I'm spent! Whew!

DooDoo

2009-03-25T16:37:00.001-07:00

Today Darlene and I got into a discussion one of my favorite songs lyrics, Just Dance, by Lady GaGa. Do you all know the part about the pocko? Well she kept singing "Malesto in your pocko." WTF? I would hope nobody would put Malesto in your pocko in song lyrics. I told her that I didn't think that the lyrics went exactly like that and she told me to look them up. So I pulled up the lyrics on some website and just began reading the lyrics out loud like you would read a book out loud. I get to the chorus and read aloud "Da Da Doo Doo". We both burst into hysterical laughter, all because it said "Doo Doo".

Our boss happens to be a little nosey on whatever we are giggling about, as he calls it. So here he comes down the hall to see what the commotion is about. We are both wheezing and cackling we are laughing so hard. Darlene's head is on her desk and I am crying I am laughing so hard. He of course wants us to share what is so hilarious that has us both in hysterics.

So then I quickly give him a brief of who Lady GaGa is and the song and us having a discrepancy over some of the lyrics and then I got to reading the lyrics and they said "Doo Doo". Sitting Bull gives a little chuckle but I think it was mostly a pity laugh. Or "your both plain stupid" laugh. He slowly turns around and heads back down the hall. Well of course we both go back into hysterics because of his reaction. He ALWAYS walks in on the wrong moments of our conversations! Damn It!

And for the curious out there, the lyrics actually reads "Spend the last Dough, In your Pocko" not "Malesto in your Pocko".

Chorus to Just Dance:

Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm
Just dance, spin that record babe, da da doo-doo-mmm
Just dance, gonna be okay, d-d-d-dance
Dance, dance, just, j-j-just dance

The beginning

2009-03-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry about Darlene she gets a little excited with new things, like this blog, and decided to jump right into it instead of explaining where we come from.

A little about us:

Darlene and I (Tootie) work at this amazing real estate company. We met about 3 1/2 years ago when I started in the position. I wasn't quite sure about this cold hearted bity-ichay. She seemed like she wanted nothing to do with me, but then as we got to know one another, we quickly learned that we were two peas in a pod. We have had many adventures together and along the way have met multiple characters, one of which we have named our blog after.

Throughout the day we get many couriers coming in and out of the office delivering their packages. One of our newest is a FedEx guy, that we will call, Jim-Bob. Jim-Bob is a very lively older gent that loves to tell us his entire life story with just one simple question, "How was your weekend?". Every time he arrives with his package in hand he will start out with "Hows it going?". Which my usual reply is "Fabulous! How bout you?". Now here is where it all starts. He then proceds to go on a tangent about his grand-kids and taking them to McDonald's. He orders them each a happy meal and a BigMac meal for himself. But the little stinkers end up eating half of his meal plus their own. Or about this auction dinner that him and his wife went to. They bid on all this stuff like painting projects for the grand-kids. Who freakin cares? Really? Those bratty little kids are going to take that painting project and start painting your furniture and carpet, not to mention the walls with their grubby greasy hands.

Now his departure is the most amusing. He will sign off with something along the lines of "But life is good!". And always adding "That's what IIIII'm tal-kin' aboooouuut!"

One time we skipped all the chit chat, he strides down the hall and blurts "Look at you, you lookin' good, smellin' good. That's what IIIII'm tal-kin' aboooouuut!" Dude, your like in your late 50's. Who talks like that anyway?

This is where our title for our blog derives from. That's what we're talkin' about!

Anyway stay tuned for more adventures between Darlene and Tootie!

She's a Hitter.....

2009-03-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

Darlene here ~ So, this is the first official blog of ours & I'm thinking it should be this great post, blah, blah, blah. But no, it won't be - so don't set your expectations too high.

Here goes - So, Monday nights are my second favorite night of the week because my second favorite show is on - Intervention. Most of the time I'm fascinated by the lengths people will go to satisfy their addictions and the crazy things they do while high or whatever. Last night I checked the old Comcast listings and scrolled down to find that Intervention was featuring a woman who had OCD, and an addiction to plastic surgery. I thought I'd hit the jackpot, little did I know..... So 9pm finally rolls around & I'm excited - expecting to see a freak of nature repeatedly washing their hands or checking the locks on the doors for hours; something like that. Oh no, what I got was much better! Meet Sharon, she's addicted to plastic surgery (although she looks completely normal, and had to quit getting plastic surgery because she was going broke), and she's also.....a hitter. Now, I've heard of huffers, cutters, stuff like that - but never a "hitter". I'm sitting there thinking that she hits stuff like pillows or walls, or possibly random people. Wouldn't that be awesome if she walked around hitting random people? She just walks into KFC and punches the teller in the mouth - that would be awesome! Anyways, back to Sharon the hitter, she hits......HERSELF!!! WTF!! As soon as she said that, I was hooked. I couldn't move. I had to witness this for myself.

She explains how she gets anxiety and has this overwhelming urge to punch herself. When one of these urges arises, the cameras are right there to witness her go to the bathroom, stand against the counter & punch herself in the stomach! I was sitting there, just like WTF? Ok, number one - she didn't even hit herself that hard. And if you wanted to hurt yourself, how are you going to hit yourself in the stomach hard enough for it to hurt? Logisitics people - it just doesn't work that way! Try it & report back. Anyways, they tell her whole story, whatever, whatever & she starts talking about how she can't look at herself in the mirror....what a waste of plastic surgery! Ok, so after they show her showering and getting dressed, she's in front of the mirror brushing her hair. All of a sudden, she gets these crazy eyes - and she starts hitting herself in the head with her brush! Seriously! I'm watching this, and anybody who knows me, knows I've got a messed up sense of humor - and I can't help it, I can't help but laugh uncontrollably. In fact, every time I think about it- I laugh. It's a problem, mkay? This bitch is crazy!! Now I definately can't stop watching it because now they shoot to the scene where she's playing with her grandkids - um, who thought this would be a good idea? I'm picturing her punch herself in the playground with the kids.....what are you doing Grandma?

After everyone starts talking about how concerned they are with her behavior, they shoot over to her talking about how one day she tried to drown her dog! Her dog! In the frickin' toilet! Once again, WTF???? PETA, you need to jump on this ASAP! If that bitch stuck my dogs head in a toilet, she'd never have to hit herself again - because I'd do it for her. Every day of her damn life! At that point, I really did have to change the channel because she was making me want to become a hitter after hearing that. But not a dumb hitter who hits themselves. Anyways, what I got out of the story was - Don't let your dogs around people that punch themselves in the stomach.

And those are words to live by.